We all have an inner voice. Sometimes it’s helpful – motivating us through a tough day. Other times, it’s just mean.

For teens, that inner critic can get loud. Under pressure, it often turns into a stream of ANTs – Automatic Negative Thoughts – like: “I’m so dumb.” “I can’t do this.” “What’s wrong with me?”

It’s frustrating to watch – and even harder to help – when a young person spirals into self-doubt.

But here’s the good news: we can coach them to respond with PETs – Performance Enhancing Thoughts. These are realistic, encouraging statements that help build confidence and calm under stress. And the science shows they’re even more powerful when delivered in the third person.

Instead of “I’m going to mess this up,” try:

→ “You’ve prepared for this, Jack – take a breath and give it a go.”

Instead of “I’m so bad at this,” try:

→ “You can do hard things, Maia – just keep going.”

This technique is called distanced self-talk. It activates the brain’s thinking centre, reduces emotional overwhelm, and improves decision-making under pressure.

You can model it too. Say your thoughts out loud sometimes:

“C’mon Kim, it’s not that hard, it’s not that deep, just get it done.”

The goal isn’t to fake confidence. It’s to talk to yourself (and teach your teen to talk to themselves) the way you’d speak to someone you care about.

That small shift helps tame the inner critic – and make room for something more encouraging.

For more on how to harness the power of self-talk, check out Ethan Kross’s TED talk Do you talk to yourself? Here's how to harness your inner voice.

Kim Tay is the founder of The Wellbeing Works and runs science-based workshops that build mental skills for wellbeing and high performance – at home, at school, and at work. For more bite-sized, no-fluff insights, sign up for her (very occasional, no-spam) newsletter here.

Read Kim’s previous posts here. 

1. Why Your Teen Might Be Stuck on the Negative – and What Helps! 
2. Stuck in a Mood? How to Shift It

Kim Tay is the founder of The Wellbeing Works and runs science-based workshops that build mental skills for wellbeing and high performance – at home, at school, and at work. For more bite-sized, no-fluff insights, sign up for her (very occasional, no-spam) newsletter here.