Taking a point scoring approach to presents doesn’t do anyone any favours. One parent lavishing the children and deliberately “out-spoiling” the other isn’t helpful – or healthy. Decide if you’re buying joint presents, and, if not, perhaps negotiate a spending limit or who’s buying what, and, failing that, keep expenditure sensible. Also, if you’re planning to take the children away during your time, it’s a good idea to let the other parent know.

Compromising in negotiations is another key factor. A Mexican stand-off is not what kids want – they want two parents who love them, want to spend time with them and keep them well-shielded from any animosity. From the dozens of children I’ve worked with over the years, their feedback is consistent: they do not want to be pawns. They just want to see parents working together and showing them what matters most: their happiness and wellbeing.

Adults have a duty to protect their children and act in their best interests. I fully appreciate how difficult it can be to traverse holiday care arrangements, especially when there is, often justified, anger and frustration.

All you can do is your best to set those feelings aside, and keep your focus on your children’s welfare. If you think about everything from their point of view and tailor arrangements around their needs, you can’t go far wrong. As hard as it might be, try and put yourself in the other parent’s shoes, too, and don’t expect them to agree to arrangements you wouldn’t want to sign up for if the roles were reversed.

A final reminder: children grow up – and they will remember the feelings around Christmas times. Give them the greatest gift you can: happy, loving times with sensible, fair arrangements that put them first and foremost.

Feedback, comments and questions are always welcomed – please feel free to e-mail me on [email protected].

T: 03 443 0900

W: www.aspiringlaw.co.nz

Gillian Stuart is Aspiring Law’s Family Law specialist.

Please remember, this information is designed as a general guide, and should not replace specific legal advice on a particular issue.